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Real questions from people who really want to know.

Mr. Sans Tele writes:

I don’t have a TV. Can I still be in the cult? How can I keep up on episodes without becoming a major pain in the ass?

ANSWER:

No, and you can’t. Just kidding. We in the cult are understanding and accepting of others’ plights. However, there may be small "favors" asked of you in the future. You may be required to take out the garbage, or kill someone, or something simple like that. Just remember, each episode adds to the "Debt". For further information, call upon Mr. Morden.

A ‘True Believer’ from D.C. writes:

While jogging around the Tidal Basin in my B5 t-shirt, why do people stop me and ask, "Are you also into the X-Files?" Don’t they know the the X-Files is nothing like B5? The X-Files is SO unrealistic! After all, a real FBI agent would know to save those two-inch pumps for sneaking into political fund-raisers, not chasing noxious aliens.

ANSWER:

This question raises a couple of questions. While jogging (Ick!), are you wearing anything other than the B-5 t-shirt? What are you doing in Washington, D.C., anyhow? Just being there is enough to raise suspicion and concern. Well, since you watch B-5, you must be semi-OK. The people that stop you are obviously holders of high political office, and therefore are mush brains at best, hence the stupid questions. Be gentle and understanding, or beat them mercilessly, whichever comes first. They are probably waiting for a comet to arrive anyhow!

In Love With Bob writes:

I have long wondered what you look like. From the intelligence of your answers I am assuming you are Adonis-like. Am I wrong in assuming this? Would you please describe yourself or give us a face to go with the column?

Dear Right on the Money:

It never ceases to amaze me how perceptive and accurate my readers are. Your letter is a perfect example. It makes me believe in psychic powers. Using my own psychic powers, I am deducing that the writer is a perky 22-year-old college coed that longs for my companionship, willing to do whatever it takes to make Ask Bob! happy and contented, and she has really big. . . eyes. There is no need for a picture or a description as your question is the perfect answer. However, the next time you wish to write to Ask Bob!, please couch your admiration in the form of a question about B5, Voyager, Star Trek, HOQ, etc. I can read between the lines; can you write between them?

A Vorlon writes:

1) On a recent trip to Earth, I noticed that you Humans worship a deity called Richard Hatch. Who is he?

2) Is it true that the members of The Holy Order of Qapla only have one collective brain? How do they function in normal Human society?

ANSWER:

1) Who is he???You must have been in space a long time! Of course you are referring to The Richard Hatch, Keeper of all the Pertinent Numbers, Most Important Meeting Maker, and Speaker of All Things Financial. All of us in the HOQ revere and hold him in total awe. Actually we are kind of amazed that he keeps appearing in public places and is allowed to reveal such astounding secrets, over and over again.

2) This is true; we are of one mind in the cult, as well it should be and as nature intended. Also, we function just fine in Human society; however, we do not regard any others as "normal." Do they have cool glow-in-the-dark alien T-shirts? No! Do they greet others with a hearty "Qapla"? No! Do they have wild whipped cream, black light and Mazola parties every Thursday night after 10 p.m.? No!

They just aren’t normal.

Apparently Left Out writes:

About these Mazola parties! Did I miss the memo? Should I bring my own Mazola and whipped cream, or are these provided? What if my regular bedtime is 9:30 p.m.? I don’t want to miss any cult activities!

Dear Left:

Wow, are you in luck! I happen to have an opening for one female participant, and all party favors are provided. Be sure to come early and often. However, there is a lot of remodeling going on, so you will have to be understanding.

I am having a Tachyon Particle Pulse Emitter installed, as well as other party favorites, like a phase inducer coil and a psychic transmogrifier. This comes at great cost to me, but it should be well worth the effort.

True Believer (from a bar at DIA) writes:

When flying at 30,000 feet, do I need to protect against "bozorays"? Also, how do I do that?

ANSWER:

Yes, you do need to protect yourself against bozorays whenever flying on anything less than a shuttlecraft. The best way is to start right where you wrote your question from – the airport bar. At 30 minutes from departure, quickly down at least five double margaritas, or martinis, and rush to board your flight. When in your seat, order more of your favorite beverage, and begin a conversation with anyone near you about the bunions on your feet, or some other personal malady. Be certain to go into great detail, and repeat every nuance often. This should keep away most anything, including dangerous bozorays.

Needing More Info – Quick writes:

If I do join as a heretic, will I jeopardize my standing as a Christian? I do indeed immensely enjoy, vicariously however, your escapades as printed in G-Force & would hate to miss a single issue.

Dear Needing More,

First, you seem a bit confused, but I’ll try to help. Any clear thinking person who is fortunate enough to be exposed to the HOQ immediately joins our cult as a True Believer, and gives all of his or her time, worldly possessions*, money**, thought, heart, and anything else to the one and only cause: The Holy Order of Qapla’.

This gives the novitiate the freedom to contemplate the deep meanings of the original Star Trek, ST:Next Generation, Babylon 5, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, exactly why T.L. hates Janeway, and what chairs would look like if our knees bent in the other direction.

Heretics have heard the word, but cannot see the light, probably due to some gross fault in their personal makeup. Heretics often have evil thoughts roaming around in their minds, as well as evil and dastardly deeds to perform, like the very evil elbow-fondling tactic they are rumored to use often. They do not eschew obfuscation; they embrace and invite it. Goodness and openness permeates the HOQ True Believer; the heretic is the diametric opposite.

So there you have it: Good Verses Evil. You choose. I believe there is much hope for you since you enjoy this column. As far as your Christian affiliation, you might want to check out their track record concerning the "Good verses Evil" thing. They talk a good game, but then there were the Crusades, witch hunts, crucifixions, murders, scandals, burnings, hangings, Inquisitions, hordes, etc.

* To be delivered to TL’s garage.

** To be sent directly to Ask Bob!

Random Dust Junkie in Gunnison writes:

It does not matter what show I watch – Babylon 5, Voyager, or the original Star Trek –there are some major discrepancies between possible realities and Earth realities. As we all know, Earth is host to a multitude of races, governments and religions. Watching popular sci-fi shows would have us believe, however, that Earth is unique in its diversity.

Countless fictional worlds are populated by a single race, governed by a single government, and have a unified planetary religion. (As if whole planets functioned as a single person!!)

Are we Earthlings inferior to these unified worlds, or are writers just lazy? It is only television; perhaps I should just get over it.

Dear Dust Junkie,

Okay, you do need my help. First of all, Earth does have many differences, and that actually makes us the superior entity. Don’t ever count Earthlings as inferior to any other group or plentary government. They just set things up as a unified front because they are lazy.

Writers of any persuasion are never lazy! They are always industrious, honest, kind, intelligent, giving, caring, and so much more.

Secondly, I refer to your statement "only television." This statement alone should automatically cause alarm in the people around you, and it is evident that you need immediate psychiatric care, as well as shock treatment.

You show signs of careful thought, introspection, intellectual comparison, logical conclusions, and a whole host of really sick attributes. Get help now, or face the consequences of being a total social outcast, branded an intellectual and a wholesome, healthy person. Shame on you!!!

Random Dust Bunny writes:

I don’t want you thinking I’m an intellectual or anything, but Random Dust Junkie had some good points. How come all Vulcans and Romulans have the same haircut and the same clothes? I thought Vulcans celebrated "Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations."

Dear Bunny,

The Vulcans and the Romulans do indeed celebrate "Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations." This special holiday falls on Aug. 4-7 each year. In order to get the holiday just right, they plan all year long. Actually that is all that most of these two races do – plan for the "big, bitchin’ party, dude." Only two people do anything else on each planet: one Vulcan guy gives haircuts, and the others sews clothes. This would explain the sameness in styling of coiffure and spiffy outfits.

Wanting to be Fondle-Free in Parlin writes:

My husband has an insatiable need to fondle my elbows on occasion. Should he seek psychiatric help, or is there someone local to help him?

Dear Fondle,

Run immediately to the store and purchase at least a case of Fresca. Do it now! When the next attack is imminent, hold the Fresca (label forward) up to your husband’s face. This will ward him off, much like garlic does for vampires.

However, you may be in grave danger. Your husband may progress to a great fondness for swarthy Latin actors, and a distaste for the Holy Order of Qapla’. Then it will be too late for him, and you will have to have him put to sleep. For further information on this horrible affliction, contact the Holy Order of Qapla’s expert, T.L. Livermore – he has had more experience dealing with Fondlemalousis than anyone.

Neither a Heretic Nor a True Believer writes:

Is it defilement to put aliens on a heretic’s wedding cake?

Dear Neither,

Of course not! It would be not only a victory for the cause of Just and Right (our side), as well as creating an opening and outreach chance to bring in members to the Holy Order of Qapla’. Once the wedding guests see the Aliens on the Cake (AOTC), they will want to know why, and that’s when the HOQ ambassadors start to work.

It’s a grand idea, and I’m sure that if you look deep enough inside of you, you will find that you really are a True Believer, and there is no chance for the Dark Side to take you!

Electric Eddie writes:

How come my car shocks me every time I get out of it?

Dear Electric,

There are two possibilities: 1) You were once abducted by aliens and they installed an electrotachyon converter inside your brain (as well as other parts of the body.) Whenever you exit your car, the electricity is attracted to you automatically, converted to tachyon particles, then transmitted to the mother ship. There is no help for you in this case. Eventually, your hair will explode, and you yourself will be transported to the mother ship, where they will let you degenerate to a plate of molten goo, then they will make peanut butter and goo sandwiches and eat you.

Or, 2) Your car is a piece of crap, and it will die soon after costing hundreds of dollars in repairs and breaking down at the worst possible moment.

A Heretic with a Vicious Mother Who Would Defnitely Inflict Harm Upon Anyone Defacing Her Precious Daughter’s Wedding Cake writes:

In light of a recent question in the "Ask Bob!" column, I am just curious as to how rude it would be for a heretic to "un-ask" certain people to her wedding. Given the mention of aliens and wedding cakes, I was thinking of un-inviting some people (two to be exact) to my upcoming wedding. The bad part is that I have already sent out the invitations to them . . . although they have not yet returned the RSVP cards. What do you think I should do?

Dear Vicious Wedding Cake,

You need to rethink your entire wedding plans, and change them immediately to accommodate the very people you were rashly thinking of "un-inviting." They are obviously alien ambassadors, and you have been chosen as a new conduit for interstellar communications. Aren’t you the lucky one!

Be certain to have places of extreme honor set aside for them, and let your mother know that very expensive and lavish gifts (fancy cars, yachts, diamonds, etc.) are to be given to these emissaries of peace and good will. Also, beautiful human females should be provided as attentive escorts for these special ambassadors of good will – especially to the taller, dark-haired one. Good luck with the special wedding!

Gort writes:

Just what the heck does "Klaatu barada nikto" mean, exactly?

Dear Gort,

It means different things in different quadrants of space. In one quadrant, it means, "Your zipper is down." In another, it means, "It makes me very happy to have warm cheese in my pants." In yet another quadrant it means, "These people are philistines; let’s blow this pop stand." In one special quadrant it means "supposably."

One has to learn how to read expressions on the alien faces in order to interpret correctly. Another example of this multiple meaning is our own word "Qapla’." Therefore, "Klaatu barada nikto, Qapla’" could mean "Your zipper is down, please use your napkin." One has to be careful.

Janus writes:

What species has a face on the front and the back of their heads? How can you tell which is the front?

Dear Janus,

Actually, it is a subspecies. They are called politicians, and they are considered very dangerous. In their larval stage, they are attorneys. Most scientists agree that this subspecies evolved on the planet Uranus, where they were mostly slime. It really doesn’t make any difference which is the front or not; nothing good ever comes from direct contact with them. Avoid at all costs.

Dear Readers:

As a preface to this particular column, I, Ask Bob!, internationally known columnist, need to keep my faithful readers and fan club abreast of current rumored developments.

After many closed-door meetings, conferences, and "doing lunch," it appears that the managing editorial staff of this fine monthly (or so) has decided to double my pay! This relieves the pressure that I was getting from Rolling Stone and Time Magazine (international edition).

It is now clear: they care!

Now I continue, with renewed vigor, for as long as I am able. Now I can rest more often on my private island from time to time due to the fact I can now afford fuel for my small, humble, barely adequate Lear jet. I won’t have to sublet my apartments in New York, Rio and London just to make ends meet. I’ll be here for you, dear readers. Just because I care, just like upper management.

Perhaps a few words to the editors and managing staff from my readers may encourage them to continue their great work. Do drop a line, okay?

Expectant Mother writes:

A year ago, in a test of intellectual prowess, I was the recipient of a Thunderball. It’s been sitting in my refrigerator for a year. When will it hatch?

Dear Mother,

Really, they are eggs from the planet Zygos, and the eggs will develop parthenogenetically, and they will all hatch on March 23, 2013. Then we will all become pets of the hatchlings, and there will be no more wars, and everyone will live in peace and harmony, just like the Holy Order of Qapla’ does now at any fest. I think.

No Name writes:

Since the Lost in Space crew wore dickeys, the definitive ‘60s fashion statement, why aren’t dickeys part of the NASA official uniform today?

Dear No,

Not to ever be outdone, the ground personnel at NASA during the ‘60s (so I’m told) did in fact wear dickeys as well as pocket protectors. The flight crews were offered as recently as last January the option of wearing dickeys as a regular part of uniform dress, but they were found to be too itchy. Plus, alien races tended to shun them and laugh quietly whenever the crew had dickeys on. NASA is now considering leisure suits, wingtip shoes, bell bottom pants, tie-dyed shirts, and peace symbol necklaces as the new alien greeting uniform.

Remember, Capt. Kirk and crew all had on "Beatle Boots," and they were considered hot.

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