The best of G-Force	HOQ Home	Who We Are and Why We're Here	Major Hollywood Celebs	Movies	Trivia	When the TV is Off	HOQ Store	Voyager Synopses	B5 Synopses	Miscellany

Real questions from people who really want to know.

Sleepless in Brown Sector writes:

It is a statistical fact that children from 1-5 years laugh 200 times a day. Is this kind of background noise a distraction to any nearby telepaths?

ANSWER:

Telepaths are truly sensitive to outside distractions of any sort, children’s laughter included. Telepaths build a mental wall behind their eyes to stop the noisy intrusion. However, this takes considerable effort on the telepaths’ part, so instead of making this effort all the time, telepaths usually carry guns and simply shoot the children to rid them of the problem. It’s best to keep a quiet mind around telepaths.

B-5 Fan from the Bureau of Standards writes:

If the year 2258 is the Dawn of the Third Age, when was the Dawn of the Second Age and how is it relative to Greenwich Mean Time?

ANSWER:

The Dawn of the Second Age, by my exacting calculations, was August 12th, 2144. It certainly is relative to Greenwich Mean Time, but no one really cares as Greenwich was turned into a radioactive tar pit in 2102 by a careless worker from the Bureau of Standards. Where were you then, huh? Get therapy and/or hard drugs.

Compulsive B5- Foodsaver writes:

Are the leftovers in my fridge related to Mr. Morden?

ANSWER:

Good question, Compulsive. It all depends whether or not you eat real food or "health food." If you eat real food, such as red meat, pasta, anything high in salt, starches or fat, and have a complete section of your refrigerator dedicated to sugar and/or chocolate, then the answer is no. However, if you are one of those people who insist upon eating tofu, bean sprouts, veggie burgers and other disgusting green stuff, then the answer is yes, and you should be put to sleep, or forced to date Mr. Morden, or both.

Frustrated Watcher writes:

My partner watches B5 tapes when I’m not home and then won’t rewind and watch them with me later on. How should I react? A) like a Minbari B) like a Centauri C) like a Narn D) like Ivanova. Please hurry, I need an answer fast!

ANSWER:

Ah ha! A sticky legal question! I’m pretty sure that you have legal recourse against your "partner" – and I use the term loosely. Watching without one’s partner should be punishable by immediate replacing of said partner. Non-rewinding is of course a desipicable act punishable by beheading. Not watching with you when you do get home (presumably from a hard day at work), may be punishable by pillorying and extreme torture. I’ll get legal on this whole sordid deal, and have their people contact your people and take a meeting, do lunch, and call on the cell phone.

In the meantime, just react like A for one hour, then B for the next hour, and so on. This may be a crime itself, however. I’ll get legal on it.

Awake in the Night writes:

In watching Babylon 5, I’ve gathered that Minbari sleep on slanted beds. Is this something I should attempt, and if I succeed, will bone start growing out of my head?

ANSWER:

I strongly suspect there may be a bit of growth there already in your case, so by all means, carry on with what you are currently doing. However, be certain to sleep with the slant going in the correct direction; otherwise you will wind up known as a "Bone-Foot." The Minbari regard this as a sign of the lowest form of life, just below pond scum and Christmas help.

Too Floppy writes:

Who is the Centauris’ hair stylist? Our daughter has been trying to get her hair to look like a Centauri but has not been successful. What’s their styling secret?

ANSWER:

It’s really nice that your daughter has a goal and will probably make it happen. However you, as a parent, need to help. The secret is to shave the front half of your daughter’s head, then dip the rest of her beautiful hair in melted Crisco. When the Crisco is malleable, form into the desired style. Then be certain to dress her in a Napoleon outfit with big, gaudy ornaments, and take her down to Social Services to show her off. They will be impressed. Good luck!

Ruminating but not Ruminant writes:

I have issues with food that’s green. How should I react to the Narn?

ANSWER:

Obviously, you are of kindred spirit, and it’s a pleasure to hear from you. However, rest easy knowing that the Narn are lizard-like, and are probably eating creamed insects on crackers, or boiled bugs with raw eggs. Now, doesn’t a rare steak sound good? Not all green food is bad, as lime sherbet is to be held in highest esteem, and is a food group all its own. You may need some professional mental help, as looking at a plate of food and saying that you have an issue may not be a good sign.

Update to Frustrated Watcher:

Our legal department says to go ahead and kill your partner.

Bald but Beautiful writes:

Now that Garibaldi has shaved his head, I get him mixed up with Lennier. How do I tell them apart?

ANSWER:

The easiest way is that Lennier has a much higher bowling average. Plus, Lennier’s feet stink, and he doesn’t like baked beans. Garibaldi, on the other hand, loves to eat mounds of baked beans and can clear out a room in seconds with one gas attack. If he is sitting down and then leans over to the left slightly, everyone leaves the room. Sheridan usually sends him to Brown Sector after a big bean session.

Rocky III writes:

If Lochley and Ivanova were to tangle in a Jello ring, how would it turn out? Who would win?

ANSWER:

This one is too close to call without further information. What flavor of Jello is it? Is it warm and squishy, or is it cool and oh so firm? What are the contestants wearing – bikinis? Is betting allowed? Are alcoholic drinks being served? Is hot oil available? Are there enough bathrooms to accommodate the crowd? Do I get free passes? The list goes on and on. Your question shows a lot of provocative thought, but needs further research for a complete answer here. Keep trying.

A Desperate and Obsessed Heretic writes:

I think Garibaldi looks a lot like Bruce Willis. Are they related? Even if they aren’t, can I have their phone numbers?

ANSWER:

In a sense, aren’t we all brothers and sisters? Don’t we all have the same basic needs, wants and desires? Aren’t we all bald underneath all the hair? Doesn’t this make you want to barf?

OK, OK, they aren’t blood relatives. Garibaldi’s phone number is 14, but you have to be on Babylon 5 in order for it to work. The only phone number I have for Bruce Willis is his old one, and all I can get there anymore is Demi Moore. The only other Hollywood star’s number I have is Antonio Banderas, and I’m sure you don’t want that one. I’ll try harder next time.

No Signature writes:

Under World Wrestling Federation rules, who would win the match between Ivanova and B’Elanna?

ANSWER:

As we all know, the WWF has very strict rules, guidelines and codes of combat conduct. After weighing all the variable possible, and studying both the able contestants, Ivanova would probably win due only to the fact that her name is much cooler when attached to a wrestling card. Ivanova the Mangler, or Killer Ivanova, sounds much more intimidating than B’Elanna the Bad or Nasty B’Elanna.

An awful lot would depend on who has the tightest wrestling costume. With the aid of some catalogues that I have available, as well as my personal help with the fitting and adjustments that are necessary, the match could go either way. It’s part of my duty and responsibility to Hollywood starlets.

Curious Beautician writes:

How many pounds of makeup are used each year in creating the facial features of the aliens on B5?

ANSWER:

Makeup on the aliens? Why, none, except for a bit of eyeshadow and some pancake to keep down the shine if necessary. All of the aliens on B5 are real, and most of them are close personal friends. I met many of them during the ‘70s at some of the many parties I used to attend. Some of them visit me often, even though other people can’t see them. I suppose that is because they are using a cloaking device of some sort. Sometimes, they come around in bunches, and in different colors. But I do so enjoy their company! They often guide me through my daily routine. I’ll loan you one to help you, if you would like!

Pondering in Pitkin writes:

Does Ambassador Kosh have emphysema? I mean, that’s one mean hitch in his breathing, and is he really that tall? (Or is it like David Byrne’s big suit?)

ANSWER:

Ambassador Kosh (known to his buddies as "the osh-Koshmeister") is actually related to David Byrne of the Talking Heads, and is a very famous blues guitarist on his own home planet. As to the hitch in his voice, it may be attributed to the well-known fact that the Koshmeister likes to take a toke or two, if you get my drift. He is always stoned on B5, and his favorite thing to do is wrap his head in tin foil and stand outside on his roof during electrical storms.

Overclothed writes:

How do the Vorlons bathe and how do they procreate? It seems the suit might be a challenge.

ANSWER:

Even obvious questions need to be answered, so here goes. The Vorlons bathe, as most people know, in a large vat filled with liquid methane and nitroglycerin. They are held by a large machine that lowers them into the vat and spins them at 1200 rpm for six minutes. Afterwards, they simply spray themselves with WD-40 and away they go! Duh!

As for procreation, the Vorlons mate by smashing each other’s suit off using a 32-ounce mallet, then donning swimfins, clown noses, earplugs, wrapping a shower curtain around their heads, and hanging upside down from the trapeze, they stick a finger into each other’s extra ear and hum Innagoddadavida to each other. Don’t you?

Just Curious & Curiouser writes:

I’m a B(4)5 novice. I want to know about Vorlons. Are they like nylons?

ANSWER:

I consulted with our mental health department head concerning your letter. It would appear that you must be a product of the Lurker school system and in need of serious attention. Your reference to "ny lons" offers evidence of concupiscence towards alien beings, and that you are the mental equal of a polypody. However, don’t despair. G-Force is here to help, so feel free to call T.L. Livermore at any time day or night.

Clarissa writes:

What’s the difference between a Vorlon and a Secret Vorlon?

Dear Clarissa,

Penis size.

Hunter Confused writes:

What exactly is a Vorlon? What are their character traits? What do they look like? What do they do when they first wake up in the morning?

Dear Confused,

A) Most rock stars and seventh-grade teachers are Vorlon. B) Getting up very late, heavy substance users (except the teacher-type Vorlons), and all are a bit condescending and critical of others. C) Prunes, mostly. D) They don’t do mornings well, and are usually grumble-bunnies.

Winona Confused writes:

Is Kosh a Vorlon? Are we all really Kosh? Does this mean I’m really a Vorlon? If I am a Vorlon why don’t I have more self-awareness-why don’t I know I’m a Vorlon?

Dear Winona,

A) Sort of. He is really an ideal of the Vorlons. B) Yes, except for attorneys, who are something else entirely. C) Unless you are an attorney. D) Illicit substance use probably. Check to see if you are a rock star, and if you are a grumble-bunny in the morning.

Dino writes (using a mirror, I might add):

Those encounter suits look hot. What do Vorlons wear in summer?

Dear Dino,

First of all, you need to stay far away from mirrors when writing to famous international columnists. My staff had to spend hours deciphering your cryptic note, only to find out that the answer to your question is almost universally known to most space travelers, especially to the ones who vacation on Vorlon in the summer.

It is well known that Vorlon encounter suits are air conditioned, with little TV sets, VCR’s, a built-in La-Z-Boy chair, and an honor bar inside. However, during the summer on Planet Vorlon, the natives all wear nothing but Speedo swimsuits, Teva sandals, wrap-around sunglasses with orange frames, and tons of sunblock (SPF 8,000). They walk around casually, with drinks that have little umbrellas, and they use the word "dude" an awful lot. The entire planet Vorlon has kind of a beachy attitude, and the natives consider the whole place a resort, so the prices in the stores are outrageous.

The best of G-Force	HOQ Home	Who We Are and Why We're Here	Major Hollywood Celebs	Movies	Trivia	When the TV is Off	HOQ Store	Voyager Synopses	B5 Synopses	Miscellany