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Real questions from people who really want to know.

President of the IBTC writes:

We’re two teenagers who are less than well endowed, and we’ve noticed that Seven of Nine’s outfit is rather figure enhancing. Do you know where we can get one?

ANSWER:

I hadn’t noticed Seven of Nine’s figure before, but upon close inspection of a Voyager episode, I suppose you’re right. Sometimes a columnist, even one of Ask Bob!’s lofty stature, must become personally involved in a reader’s plight. I’m here to help both of you young, budding, enquiring, uh, readers in any way I am able. With the aid of some catalogues I have available, I’m sure we can find something that will aid you in your quest.

Also, I’ll be only too happy to help with the personal fitting and adjustments that may need to be done, over and over again. It’s part of my duty and responsibility to G Force readers such as yourself.

Just Curious writes:

Who on Voyager would make the best photon torpedo?

ANSWER:

Richard Hatch. I know that he isn’t on Voyager, but he is just the right man for the job. By the way, just how long did you sit there watching Voyager before this question worked its way to the forefront of your mind? Maybe some fresh air once in awhile might do you some good.

No Signature writes:

Under World Wrestling Federation rules, who would win the match between Ivanova and B’Elanna?

ANSWER:

As we all know, the WWF has very strict rules, guidelines and codes of combat conduct. After weighing all the variable possible, and studying both the able contestants, Ivanova would probably win due only to the fact that her name is much cooler when attached to a wrestling card. Ivanova the Mangler, or Killer Ivanova, sounds much more intimidating than B’Elanna the Bad or Nasty B’Elanna.

An awful lot would depend on who has the tightest wrestling costume. With the aid of some catalogues that I have available, as well as my personal help with the fitting and adjustments that are necessary, the match could go either way. It’s part of my duty and responsibility to Hollywood starlets.

Deeply Concerned and Unable to Sleep writes:

Now that I have viewed Insurrection, a disturbing pattern has emerged. Have you ever noticed how it is that all the captains in Starfleet can solve all the galaxy’s problems within an hour (two at the most), but that the admirals of Starfleet are always getting suckered by the bad guys? Why is this? Should the cult worry about its own fleet admiral, lest he buy into some nefarious scheme that might involve heretics? Should I quit bucking for that promotion of my own?

Dear Concerned,

I happen to know the fleet admiral of the HOQ, and can unequivocally say that he is a clear minded, brilliant, and forceful leader on all fronts, except when he is very tired. Then his usually excellent command of the English language gets a bit simplistic. [Editor’s note: Be sure to Ask Bob about Jason Carter and "the thing."}

However, your concerns about all the other admirals is well founded, and needs to be addressed. I know for a fact (through my many Brown Sector contacts) that the heretic nation is behind many an admiral having gross mental abberations, delusions and grandious but flawed schemes to solve an alien problem that could otherwise be taken care of with just a couple of phaser blasts or a tachyon particle beam emitter-disperser/shower nozzle aimed just right. Or, to solve a problem, just ask Captain Janeway. Go for the promotion, but beware the heretic.

Please Help writes:

I have been plagued recently by extremely erotic dreams of Worf. My husband wants to know what this means.

Dear Help,

Is this the dream that involves me wearing Sun-God robes, with virgins throwing cupcakes at my feet in adoring fashion, then carrying me off to some idyllic forest location for a month-long fest of fertility rites, then Worf beams down, can’t find us, then leaves? If not, then you are probably pregnant and it’s not my fault.

Tell your husband that in order to make things better, he must take you out to a lavish dinner, buy you a very expensive gift, and sit adoringly at your feet for the next full week doing your every whim and wish instantly.

Random Dust Bunny writes:

I don’t want you thinking I’m an intellectual or anything, but Random Dust Junkie had some good points. How come all Vulcans and Romulans have the same haircut and the same clothes? I thought Vulcans celebrated "Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations."

Dear Bunny,

The Vulcans and the Romulans do indeed celebrate "Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations." This special holiday falls on Aug. 4-7 each year. In order to get the holiday just right, they plan all year long. Actually that is all that most of these two races do – plan for the "big, bitchin’ party, dude." Only two people do anything else on each planet: one Vulcan guy gives haircuts, and the others sews clothes. This would explain the sameness in styling of coiffure and spiffy outfits.

Still Seeking Carmen Sandiego writes:

Say you were beaming from Texas to North Dakota at the exact same time someone else was beaming from Colorado to Missouri. What would happen over Kansas?

Dear Still Sand,

Automatic boink, if all conditions were correct. Actually, it is quite possible that it could turn into a mass of swirling smutz. Usually, however, whenever a Transbeam Resonate Electro Kegler occurs (a "TREK"), all parties are automatically beamed down to central Kansas, and they are required to party ‘til the cows come home. We all know that Kansas is known Federation-wide as party central. The best way to escape from the endless round of partying-down is to hop a freight train and head out of state. Beware, though, as Nebraska knows how to party hardy, too. It’s a dangerous situation.

Timothy Leary writes:

What were the favorite performing enhancement drugs on the Enterprise during its initial run? How did these evolve into the best drugs in the Next Generation? Why were these drugs not available on Voyager?

Dear Leary,

It’s so nice to hear from an old friend once in awhile. On the original Enterprise, the main drug used, mostly by Capt. Kirk, was pheromones. The only time one of the lower echelon crew got any enhancement pheromones was after they heard these words: "Here, put on this red shirt and beam down with the main crew, fella; we need you down there to be turned into toast."

On the Next Generation, there were little bins all along the hallways filled with steroids, pheromones, uppers, downers, etc. Anyone could simply help themselves at any time. It was really hard to tell what the crew was doing at any given time. Capt. Picard had his hands full just keeping the ship afloat, much less doing a mission.

On Voyager, obviously the only enhancement drugs available were given to Seven of Nine, and they worked wonderfully. The writing staff evidently got ahold of some of your old stash of LSD-25, Tim, and used it frequently.

Trivia Buff writes:

In the Star Trek episode "City on the Edge of Forever": 1) What question does Bones ask when he arrives through the portal? 2) Who does he talk to first? 3) What drug is he on?

Dear Buff,

1) "Whoa, Dude, is this my stop or what?"

2) A really good-looking hooker.

3) A mixture of pheromones, LSD-25, and Thunderballs on toast.

(Note: Ask Bob! seems to be getting a lot of questions concerning space drugs. This concerns me, but I knew this was a wild bunch when I signed on.)

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