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Dinner party: Cloth napkins and crystal a necessity. Don't bother unless: a) the people who invite you make you laugh; b) the people who invite you are great cooks; c) you know which fork to use when; or d) you do copious amounts of your drug of choice (something that won't make you throw up).

Barbecue:: Charred animal flesh required. Potato salad and chips are also a must. The rest is obvious.

Clambake: Emphasis on food (clams may or may not be served). Beer and white wine only (chardonnay from a California vinyard served chilled from a box). Casual attire (bare feet or sandals only). Summertime or late spring. Sand is usually involved.

Hullabaloo: Involves dancing to period (theme-related) music, as well as costumes. Light drinking (spiked punch). Prescription drugs only.

F.A.C.: For alcoholics who only drink once a week. Free (albeit greasy) food. For people who have nothing to do the better part of their Saturday.

Brouhaha: Somewhat rowdy, leaning toward violent; loud unrecognizable music playing in the background. Usually no food other than Boston baked beans which are available only for throwing. Plentiful booze and drugs.

Bash: A definite onomatopoeia.

Debutante Cotillion: Don't ask.

Orgy: Sex with a stranger a must. Also recommended is over-indulgence in eating, drinking or drugging until one is very sick. (Never been invited to one.) Actually any of the other gatherings can lead to this, sometime after 2 a.m.

Get Together: Casual gathering but could be a precursor to orgy (see above) if you stay too long. No food or drink requirements.

Voyager Party: Trekkies unite! An exlusive group of highly intelligent life forms immersed in otherwordly pursuits. Food considered a necessary evil. Standards include: lemon bars, circus peanuts, Pez, barbecue chips, and Skittles. Toys and Fresca are required. Costumes optional, but encouraged. (Not to be confused with Plymouth van owners.)

Note: The authors would like to apologize for not writing about gatherings they have never been invited to because they go to bed too early (e.g. Techno-Raves, EST gatherings, fund-raisers), but this is a good start.

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